Dance (Transcript)
Back to the episode Introduction *is writing something down. Barry rushes in and tosses bits of paper about. Paul isn't pleased *'Paul:' Hey! Hey! Just a minute! What are you doing!? *'Barry:' I'm looking for a magnifying glass. *'Paul:' Oh, I see...stops and thinks Your magnifying glass!? *'Barry:' Yeah, it's so I can see my ants, you see. opens the matchbox and shows Paul his ants. Paul is confused I've got all me ants in this box. Look there's Richard and Phillip and Phillis they're all in there. *'Paul:' What do you mean ants!? *'Barry:' Well, you said we were doing a program about ants. *'Paul:' Not ants! Dance! Dance! Dance! *pops the matchbox on his desk *'Barry:' Ooh! OK! *dances *'Paul:' Look! Look! Look! Just go and get changed. I need you to do a demonstration in your bearskin. *'Barry:' Me Bareskin? *'Paul:' Not ya Bareskin! Ya Bearskin! *'Barry:' '' '''Oh..... *thinks a bit then disappears *(Cue the ChuckleVision intro) After the Theme Song *is sitting inside a series of plants *'Paul: Hello! Today ChuckleVision looks at the wonderful world of Dance. Everything from the classical style of the Ballet Dance to the extrovert style of the Disco Dancer. Now to understand dance you have to go back to when Primitive Man first walked the earth. *cuts to another part of the studio Primitive Man *is seen wearing a costume and holding a bone. Paul enters *'Paul:' And here we have Primitive Man! *'Barry:' That's me! *'Paul:' Now in prehistoric times Primitive Man hadn't yet learned to speak. *'Barry:' Oh..... *speaks a bunch of jargon *'Paul:' Typecast... *'Barry:' Thank you very much. *'Paul:' As I was saying, Primitive Man hadn't yet learned to speak. So he had to communicate through the art of movement. *feels an itch and begins dancing around. Paul is impressed...and so am I. *'Barry:' Ooh....ah....ooh...ooh...yeow!.....ooh!.... *'Paul:' Hey that's very good that! *'Barry:' Ahh!! *'Paul:' Very good....Now... *still can't stop itching *'Barry:' Ahh!....Ohh! *'Paul:' Yeah, that's enough, that's enough. You can stop now. *'Barry:' I cant. *'Paul:' Why? *'Barry:' There's something in this skin besides me. *'Paul:' I told you not to bring the ants into the studio, didn't I? *'Barry:' Yeah.. *'Paul:' Look, go and get changed....Go change... *'Barry:' OK.... *walks offscreen itching like crazy. Paul faces the audience *'Paul:' So now you can see that dance in it's crudest form has been part of society since the dawn of civilization. But what about dance today? *reenters with the same clothing on *'Barry:' Ooh....eh..... *'Paul:' What are you doing!? *'Barry:' I can't get it off.... *'Paul:' Why? *'Barry:' I think the zip's broken.... *turns around while Paul takes a look at the zip on Barry's costume *'Paul:' Oh well, let's have a look examines the costume Hey. *'Barry:' What? *'Paul:' I tell you what....the zip's broken. *'Barry:' I just said that. *'Paul:' Yeah....You didn't touch it did ya? *'Barry:' Touch it? I can't even reach it... *'Paul:' Well look there's no time to do it now. You'll have to wait until the end of the show. *'Barry:' After the show!? *'Paul:' Yeah, now go on. Go on. *'Barry:' Ooh......Oh.... *'Paul:' As I was saying. But what about dance today. We went out and about to find out. *cuts to a Dance Studio in Merseyside Tap Dancing *are Tap Dancing. Paul is speaking into a mike *'Paul:' Well, here we are! As you can see. These kids are learning the art of Tap Dancing. W..... *enters with a "Tap" "Dancing". If you get the joke. It's a pipe on string *'Barry:' Yay! Dededede... *'Paul:' What's that? *'Barry:' Tap Dancing! *'Paul:' Not that Tap Dancing! points to children This Tap Dancing! *'Barry:' Oooh! *'Paul:' 1, 2, 3, 4! and Barry join the kids into the Art of Tap Dancing while walking offscreen. While that is happening Paul is narrating So that's Tap Dancing. And their was no greater exponent of the art than the late great Fred Astaire. *cuts back to a part of the Studio Top Hat Routine *the Infamous Irving Berlin's Top Hat song is playing. The screen Zooms out to show Barry. He still has his bear costume on but is also wearing a Top Hat, White Tie and Tails like Fred did in the movie. The lighting is dark and Barry is dancing the routine. The music and lights stop though when Paul enters *'Paul:' Hey what's this supposed to be? *'Barry:' It's the White Tie and Tails routine isn't it? *'Paul:' But you still got your bear skin on! *'Barry:' Well, I couldn't get it off. *'Paul:' Go take it off.... *'Barry:' How. *'Paul:' You'll think of something. *'Barry:' OK... *'Paul:' Erm....It's a little known fact that the.... *ripping noise is heard. Barry has taken the costume off *'Barry:' I've done it! *doesn't seem excited about it... *'Paul:' As I was saying, it is a little known fact that the sophistication of Tap has evolved from a wide variety of folk dancers and one folk dance that has been with us for many years is the Morris Dance and here we have a short demonstration. *cuts to nothing. Looks like he's absent today folks The Morris Dance *seconds go by *'Paul:' Hey! Hey! cuts to Paul in his bushes What's happened to the Morris Dance? *enters *'Barry:' Oh, it's been cancelled. *'Paul:' Cancelled!? *'Barry:' Morris couldn't come. *'Paul:' Oh no! forgets he has an audience and sort of lifts his hand as to avoid the audience seeing nothing. I don't know why but it happens Oh. Due to unforeseen circumstances I'm afraid the Morris Dance has been cancelled. However, instead, we're going over the seas to our Bavarian Cousins and to demonstrate a typical Bavarian Dance here we have The Brothers Chucklestein. turns to Barry Hey, you could have told me before. *'Barry:' Well, I didn't know... *'Paul:' Well, I could have looked silly and didn't know what to do.... *Paul and Barry's voices are fading out it cuts to another part of the Studio Bavarian Dance *Cousins....or Paul and Barry I should say, strut in and begin slapping parts of their body such as hands, thighs and even faces. Bavarian Music plays in the background. When Paul is done he walks off clapping. Barry falls on the floor forgetting Paul has left. The Plants *'Paul:' Phew. Well, quite a breathtaking performance. I'm sure you will agree. So while we all get our breath back why not relax and watch Armchair Theater? *card comes up Billy Butler's Armchair Theater! *see what he has for us today! The Twenty Elephant Restaurant - Russel Hoban *'Billy Butler:' A man and his wife lived in a little house. They had a bed, a table and two chairs. The bed was OK. The two chairs were very good but the table wobbled. The man always had to but a book of matches under one of the table legs - sometimes under tso. "This table" said the man. "What about this table?" Said the woman. "It's wearing me out" said the man. "There's something wrong there. That's not right" Said the woman. "It should be the man that wears the table out not the table that wears the man out. Look at ya. When we first got that table you were young and handsome. Look at ya now. Ya old an ugly". "But this table is 50 years old!" Said the man. "Ya can't expect me to look as young and handsome as I did then?" "What you should do is make a new table" said the woman. The man went into the woods and found a straight grain table wood tree. He cut it down and sawed it up. He stacked the wood and left it to season for a couple of years. When the wood was well seasoned he measured it off, sawed it to size, planed it smooth, sanded it down and there it was, a new table. "That really is a strong, new handsome young table" said the man. "You look 50 years younger" said the woman. "You cant' beat a new table" "You're exactly right" Said the man. "And that really is a strong table. Elephants could dance on that table!" "How many?" Said the woman. "Oh...one, really....there's not really enough room for two". "Well, when you said Elephants i thought you meant more than one elephant" said the woman. "Oh...1 to a table" said the man. "Where are you going to get the elephants?" said the woman. "Advertise in the local paper" said the man. "Put an advert in. Elephants wanted for table work. Must be ajar" "But we'll have to pay the Elephants". Said the woman. "Well if people pay to see the elephants dance. Then we could pay the Elephants....I'll build a restaurant! Then the Elephants could wait on the tables and while they are waiting on the tables in the spare time they could learn to dance and when there good enough people will pay to come and see them dance on the tables!" So he measured and sawed and he planed and he rubbed and he hammered until he'd made 17 new tables. When he made the tables he found he couldn't get them into his little house. "A tent!" said his wife. "Not having a tent" said the man. "A tent and a elephant make a circus. All I want is a straight forward restaurant with dancing elephants". "And a chef" said his wife. "And cook for two people but not 72". "Right!" said the man. "When I put the advert in for the elephants i will put an advert dancing and cooking experience helpful". "And bookkeeping" said his wife. "After all it is a business". The man put the advertisement in the local newspaper. Elephants wanted for table work, Must be agile. Dancing, cooking and book keeping experience helpful. The first elephant that called wasn't very agile and he couldn't dance, cook or keep the books but he was an experienced truck driver. "I'll hire him" thought the man. "And when everything is getting a bit slack we can fill it with some long distance truck". The next elephant that called was a qualified dancing instructor. The next was a book keeper and the next was a cook and they were all very agile. "That's four" said the man. "Now I only need 14 more elephants" "15" said the woman. "We need 19 altogether. 18 for the tables and one in the kitchen". 15 more elephants rang up. All of them are agile and interested in tablework. "Now were all set" said the man. The telephone rang. It was another elephant. "We've already got 19 elephants" said the man. "We don't need anymore". "19 is a funny number" said the elephant on the telephone. "With 20 elephants you can call it the Twenty Elephant Restaurant" "Your hired" said the man. The twentieth elephant was out putting up signs for two years while the other elephants practiced dancing. When he got back there was a line of trucks and cars ten miles long waiting for the restaurant to open. "Where's the restaurant?" they asked. "I'm building it now" said the man. He started sawing and hammering while everybody watched him. Those who had chairs sat down and watched him and those who didn't have chairs stood and watched. The elephant waiters got up on the tables and started to dance. "Get down in front!" the people said to the elephant. "Get of the tables! Ya blocking our view!" "Don't you wanna see us dance!?" said the elephants. "We've been practicing every day for two years!" "Get down!" everybody shouted "We can't see what he's doing!" "Nothing goes right for me" said the man. "I start of building a 20 elephant restaurant and I end up as a one man circus" The twentieth elephant quickly made a sign. Everybody clapped and cheered and the man bowed and everybody went into the restaurant and had a meal. While they were eating the man took all the truck wood and built an enormous truck. One evening one of the customers said. "Why is my cream of chicken soup sliding backward and forward on the table?" The elephant waiter called the man over and examined the tables carefully. He checked every leg separately. It was solid as a rock. He went over to the corner of the restaurant and shifted his weight from one leg to another. Everything on the tables wobbled. "Matchbook?" said a woman "Oh no madam none of them" said the man. The man took the restaurant apart and loaded it into the truck. "Where to?" said the truck driver elephant. "Somewhere flat" said the man. When they found a flat place the 20 elephants went out and moved all the road signs so they know how far it was to the new location. Then they put up a sign that said. "Mr. Buildo - The One Man Circus!". They collected money and sold hotdogs and the man put the restaurant together again. Business was good and they stayed until the restaurant started to wobble. Then they moved on again. "Maybe there aren't any places that are flat" said the woman. "Maybe that's just how it is" "I think maybe your right" said the man. "Sometimes it's a one man circus and sometimes it's a Twenty Elephant Restaurant and that's life". "Still" said the elephants. "It's not a bad life is it?". "No it's not" said the man. *was great. The ChuckleVision card comes up. Back to the Studio Back to the Studio! *is sitting in the plants while Barry is watering them *'Paul:' Now we come to perhaps the most advanced of all dancing. Ballet Dancing! *'Barry:' Hey! I've got a cousin who comes from there. *'Paul:' Where? *'Barry:' Ballet Dancing in Ireland. *'Paul:' No! Ballet Dancing's not in Ireland. It's what Rudolph Nureyev used to do ya know? Dance! *'Barry:' Oh you mean ... *Ballet Dances *'Paul:' Yeah that's it! *'Barry:' Well, I've done some Ballet Dancing ya know. *'Paul:' Have ya? *'Barry:' I was in Swan Lake, wasn't I? *'Paul:' In Swan Lake? *'Barry:' Yeah. *'Paul:' Well, what did you play? *'Barry:' I was a fishing rod. *laughs at his joke. That was a good one, Barry *'Paul:' Ye...Theirs no fishing rod in Swan Lake! *'Barry:' Well perhaps you missed me because it was a big cast! *laughs again *'Paul:' *sigh* Well now with their own choreographic arrangement of Swan Lake we have Paulov and Barriska of the Burkenhead State Ballet Company. *doesn't seem happy at Barry when he turns his head to him. Scene cuts to another part of the Studio with a huge applause Swan Lake *and Barry enter as Paulov and Barriska to perform an extract from Swan Lake. It states it was Live from the Albert Dock. They do a few head movements and begin to spin. Paul Spins Barry hard enough to crash off screen. He doesn't notice. He comes back as Paul lifts him up a few times. The last time he lifts him off he makes Barry crash off screen yet again. Again Paul doesn't notice. Barry enters to aid Paul in the finale. After a few bows Paul let goes of Barry effectively yet again making him crash. All this time he didn't notice. How surprising. This time though he does notice and pretends nothing happened. Applause is heard Back to the Plants *is sitting down *'Paul:' Marvellous I'm sure you will agree! Such grace! Such dignity! loud crash is head. Paul is startled Erm....yes well...Now it's time to move on to more modern forms of dance and it's over to our very own formation dance team...Simon Lovell Simon Lovell *see what he has for us today! Music is playing as it shows another part of the studio *'Simon:' Formation Dance Team!? Well i can't do a Formation Dance Team but i'm gonna fool you this week because i've got a dancer with me. Right in this wee box picks up and opens a matchbox we have the worlds only dancing ant. Just get him out for ya. Out ya come boy. picks up the ant out from the matchbox then closes the box. Sure we can't see him but that will become clearer later Now i call him Hilder because i used to have an Aunt Hilder. Now he probably can't see him very well so what were gonna do is wrap him in a hankie where he will dance his guise of Super Ant. Here we go. Down you come lad. pops the ant into a hankie which is inside one of 3 glasses on a tray In you hankie. There he is now in his guise as Super Ant and as Super Ant picks up the tray he's gonna try and leap from this glass into this glass taking the handkerchief with him however he is a little bit of a shy ant so he's gonna have to do it behind my back Here we go lad are you ready? Halley.....Hup! takes the tray with the ant on one glass behind his back then when he brings it back around the ant and handkerchief is in another glass. So basically he has "Leaped" from one glass to another Fantastic. I know what your thinking. Can he do it again? Well this end knows no bounds. Here we go. Are you ready young fella? Halley....Hup! repeats the trick again And back again. Not impressed huh? Well, how about if he lept into the middle glass? flips the hankie into the 2nd glass. That would be a little bit better....Well he will now do his famous hyper finale. [He pops the ant and hankie in the 3rd glass This is where he attempts to leap visibly from this glass into this glass with no cover. Could we have a drum roll please? stops but later start's again Sorry if it's a little bit too loud. Yes here we go on the count of 3. A one, two. Hiy! And there he goes straight into the end glass! Ooh Hilder you've done it you little beauty! takes the ant out Out ya come mate! Yes! claps squashing the ant. Oh dear oh dear Round of applause...for...slowly stops clapping realising what he has done *was great wasn't it. Back to the studio Back to the Plants. *'Paul:' And now we move on to the most modern form of dance. Disco Dancing. Now some might say doesn't this take us right back to where it all began with Primitive Man? *creeps up with a plant pot on his head *'Barry:' Yes. *'Paul:' I'd knew you say that. *'Barry:' Oh *'Paul:' You see in Disco Dancing the emphasis is on total individualism. *'Barry:' Is it? *'Paul:' Yes *'Barry:' What's that mean? *'Paul:' Well, no two people should ever look alike or do the same thing. *'Barry:' Oh, I see. *'Paul:' I'm quite an expert in this field. *'Barry:' Are ya? *'Paul:' Yes *'Barry:' He knows. *'Paul:' Now the first thing you need is to get the right clothes. *cuts to a street where Paul is walking. The ChuckleVision theme plays Disco Dancing! Part 1 - The Clothes *discovers a shop that sells cool clothing *'Paul:' Perfect! This will do. I should get something nice and unique in here. *heads inside to buy some threads. A few minutes later he walks outside whistling holding a bag of his new suave gear. Barry happens to be walking on the same street and also notices the shop Paul went into. *'Barry:' Great! Totally Individual they said. I should find something like that in here! heads inside the shop and a few minutes later he walks out the shop with a set of clothing That's it! Part 2 - Getting Ready *now in the Disco complete with mirrors and lights. Paul and Barry strut in a funky way inside the disco looking cool. They stop and realize they are wearing the same outfit. How lucky can you get? They point and walk closer acting surpised because of the same clothing. They both shrug then strut into the Bathroom to get ready. Paul struts into the Bathroom using his metal comb and begins to sprinkle some coolness to his hair. When he is finished combing he tosses it away like he doesn't care. Unfortunately it hits Barry's eye *'Barry:' Ow! *stumbles in covering his eye in pain. He sees the comb and tries to cool himself up however if it wasn't for his short stature he could have looked pretty stylish. After a few attempts at jumping so he can see himself he gives up and walks out the bathroom Part 3 - Looking Cool *now back in the main dance floor. Barry does his attempts at showing off. He polishes his medallion with a cloth, extends his arm out with the medallion and exchanges a few winks making sure everyone can get a look at Barry's cool look. Paul does the same showing off and polishes. Barry tries to polish his medallion again but oh dear it's snapped and gone missing. He can't seem to find it. Next shot shows them in the action. Paul tries to style his hair by looking himself in the mirror except it's not a mirror. Just merely a metal guard next to the mirror. Paul think he see's his own reflection but in reality it's just Barry on the opposite end making the same pose. Paul turns around, stops then realizes and looks back at that spot again. Now he see's nothing. Silly you. He shrugs and walks off Part 4 - Dancing the Night Away *it's all about dancing. Especially to Paul. Paul really gets into it and loves dancing. He takes his jacket off, swings it around then tosses it away. Again he is focused on the groove while Barry is focused on the jacket. The jacket is now on Barry's head. He walks like he has a blindfold on *'Barry:' Paul!? Where are you? I can't see a thing with this over me head. Paul! *it zooms to Paul who is only interested in the groove. Barry enters forgetting Paul is dancing like crazy and trips up on his leg. He falls down. Paul notices but again shrugs and continues dancing. Poor Barry! Thankfully the jacket is off Barry's head but now he has his next problem. Paul is into the moment and Barry wants to do the same but realizes Paul hasn't got his jacket on. Barry wants to copy Paul but has major trouble taking his jacket off. Paul is shouting some cool phrases *'Paul:' Hey get down! Alright! Groovy! Yeah! Yeah! Hey! Groovy man! That's where it's at! arm knocks Barry onto the floor. Hasn't he had enough already? In another effort to take his jacket off he kicks his feet into the air and moves into a 360 motion. Paul thinks it's just another cool dance move Hey that's good! *copies Barry as they dance the night away. It's back to the studio Back to the Studio! *is shaking his matchbox looking for his ants *'Barry:' Hey! My ants have escaped! *'Paul:' Your ants? *'Barry:' Yes! *forgets about his audience again and faces them while Barry looks for his ants *'Paul:' Oh, sorry. Well, there you are. That's disco dancing....er...I hope you've picked up a few tips. I think I've picked something up. scratches himself Well, next week... *picks up an ant from Paul's shirt *'Barry:' Gotcha! *'Paul:' What's that? *'Barry:' That's one of me ants. Fredrick! *'Paul:' Fredrick!? *examines the ant *'Barry:' Oh, just a minute, it's not Fredrick! It's Phillip! *'Paul:' Phillip!? Well, what happened to Fredrick! *begins scratching himself while Barry talks to the ant *'Barry:' Don't worry Phillip I'll take you to Dr. David Attenbrough! *leaves with the ant leaving Paul to scratch himself. He faces the audience *'Paul:' Well, I'm sure next week's program will come up to scratch! Goodbye! *constantly scratches himself while The ChuckleVision credits come up letting us know that the episode has ended. Category:Transcripts Category:Series 1 Category:Episodes Category:Episodes Written By John Sayle